THE SPIN CYCLE

If you use your ivy league education to help Americans whose jobs have been outsourced, you are a failure.
If you use your ivy league education to help outsource American jobs, you are a success.

If you're a minority and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "token hire."
If you're a conservative and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "game changer."

If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you're a "baby daddy."
If you're the same in Alaska you're a "teen father."

If you grow up in Hawaii you're "exotic."
If you grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, you're the "quintessential American story."

If you name you kid Barack you're "unpatriotic. "
If you name your kid Track, you're "colorful."

If you're a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the individual you're "reckless."
If you're a Republican who doesn't fully vet, you're a "maverick."

If you're a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife's recurrence of cancer you're a "questionable spouse."
If you're a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn... Well, we don't know what that is 'cause "THAT'S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK."

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you're a "phoney."
If you get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you're "well loved."

If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."

If you're a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you're "uppity."
If you're a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years.)

If you are a liberal and your unwed daughter gets pregnant, it's "immoral".
If you are a conservative, it's called "family values".

If a Democrat uses his children for photo opportunities, he's exploiting them
If Republican uses her children for photo opportunities, she's a "proud hockey mom".

If you are a Democrat and the media digs into your past and prints it, it is called "good journalism and getting to the truth".
If you are a Republican and they do the same thing, it is called a "smear campaign"

If you have studied international affairs for several decades, you're "inexperienced at foreign affairs".
If you live in a state that is geographically near a foreign country, you have "foreign policy expertise"

If you're a black woman, with advanced academic degrees, and you have children while married, you're a "baby mama"
If you're a white woman who barely graduated from college, and you get knocked up and then get married after you're pregnant, you're a "Super Mom"

If you're a Republican and your underage daughter gets pregnant out of wedlock, it's a "blessing."
If you're a Democrat and you get a blow job, it's a matter for the Supreme Court.

If you're a young American serviceman abused by enemy captors on a daily basis, you're a hero who stoically endured inhumane torture and put country first.
If you're a young Arab or Pakistani grabbed in a battle zone, shipped to an American military prison by way of a third country, and held indefinitely without trial, you're a vicious Islamic terrorist who doesn't deserve to be treated like a human being.

If you're a Republican, you swear Jesus is a registered member of your party.
If you're a Democrat, you appreciate that Jesus was a community organizer.

If you chant 'Drill, Baby, Drill" you are positing an effective and responsible energy plan, science and logic be damned.
If you chant "Yes, We Can" you are a mindless automaton.

If you're a Republican with a questionable academic background, you're a champion of American education.
If you're a Democrat who was editor of the Harvard Law Review, you want to destroy America's schools.

If you're a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you "First Dog."
If you're a 17-year old pregnant unwed daughter of a Republican, the right-wing press calls you "beautiful" and "courageous. "

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, left your disfigured wife, and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years and raised 2 beautiful daughters, you're "risky".

If you're a Democrat and you prefer wine over beer, you are an "elitist.
"If you're a Republican and you prefer a beer heiress over your first wife, you are a "committed family man."

If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it's just "empty rhetoric."
If one week before your party's national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that's "red meat."

If you're black and never served in the military, but fight for veterans benefits and were right in predicting the disastrous Iraq war would be a mistake, you don't care about the troops.
If you're a white former POW and spend 26 years in the Senate voting against virtually every bill put forward to help veterans, and want to stay in Iraq indefinitely, you're a hero.

If you're a Republican president and you engage in illegal war costing 4000+ lives, bankrupt the country, and legalize torture and spy on US citizens, that's okay, because Jesus is your favorite political thinker.
If you're a Democratic president and you generate the largest increases in wealth for all economic classes, preside over a balanced budget, and create an unprecedented surplus, you get impeached.